Quietly sitting alone, in the back of the class, at your average public high school and perceiving all of the idiots surrounding you, sometimes the phrase comes to mind: what if? What if all of these self-centered people suddenly came to the realization that the world does not revolve around them? What if, what if, what if.what if they could view the world through someone else's eyes, anyone else's eyes, and see their own ridiculous self-absorbsion in full Technicolor vision instead of being wrapped up and contained in their own seventeen-year-old shortsightedness?
What if they learned that "charitable giving" doesn't have to be bragged about and paraded around the whole fucking cafeteria? That some people don't care if they gave up their weekly allowance to help tsunami victims?
What if one of those sickening beings suddenly was the only person on earth? What if the rest of mankind disappeared, and the world started to revolve just for your average little preppy, annoying-and-anal-but-popular, hasn't-got-a-real-care-in-the-world Kelly Sue, revolved around her and for her and under her feet alone, just as Kelly Sue secretly wished it did? Would she still talk about herself constantly? What if there was no one else around to hear her own self-elevating bombast? Would she still spout it?
Would she still brag about her new diet and her sycophant friends, her college and career plans? Would she roll up her sleeves to reveal the oh-so-painful scars on her wrists, reveal those marks of the supposed mental torment that she fights soooooo hard to overcome? Would she talk of her prom date and her gorgeous dress that makes her look 'fat'? Would she continue to talk of how she's soooo self-conscious, continue to humble herself ever so loudly? Would she shout and laugh at her own stupid jokes? Shout them to the vast, empty hills and wait for someone to reassure her, someone to cement her own warped mind with another stupid, empty compliment and fawning hug and kiss? But the barren earth doesn't answer back. Sure, she's still the beautiful and vibrant life of her own pity party, but there's no one around to see it.
But here Kelly Sue stays, along with everyone else in the world, along with me, sitting quietly in the back of English class, watching her soak it all in. Yes, everyone loves you Kelly Sue-every fucking person in this room is in love with you! The whole world loves you! But do you love the world back?
Or are you simply in love with yourself?
In any case it can't work both ways. Someone has to love something, anything besides silly little meaningless Kelly Sue.
And sitting in the back of English class, I alone begin to hate her.
I alone begin to hate her as I ask myself the age old question--if one is silently arrogant, confining their own self-absorbedness in the recesses of their mind and never revealing it to anyone, is one still considered arrogant? There’s no one else to serve as witness--did my own arrogance ever get accounted for?
In any case here I am again, same time and place day after day. Sitting all alone. Hating her, loving her. Hating myself, drowning in my own self-pride…in any case I’m bound to quietly sit alone.